There are A-holes in NY?!?!

AdAge reported that a 20-foot "Giant Human Colon Makes Time Square PR Debut".  This debunks the myth that Donald Trump is the biggest A-hole in New York.  

Subway has high hopes with spokesman Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps made big news when he won an unprecedented 8 gold medals in the Summer 2008 Olympics in Beijing, but has recently made  bigger news when a photograph that featured Phelps using a bong taken in November was made public.  

Suddenly, it became even clearer how Phelps could eat his diet:

Breakfast: Three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise. Two cups of coffee. One five-egg omelet. One bowl of grits. Three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar. Three chocolate-chip pancakes.

Lunch: One pound of enriched pasta. Two large ham and cheese sandwiches with mayo on white bread. Energy drinks packing 1,000 calories.

Dinner: One pound of pasta. An entire pizza. More energy drinks.

A stoner, known simply as “Siberian Tiger Bluntmaster” exclaims, “Dude!  I once ate  four fried egg sandwiches, 2 omelets, 3 bowls of grits and 4 pancakes and pieces of French toast for breakfast after one particularly gnarly dube!”

Although Phelps has expressed regret over his activity out of the pool on his Facebook page:

I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23-years-old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public - it will not happen again.

Phelps has profited enormously from sponsorships from Subway, Kellogg’s, Mazda and Speedo.  His sponsors have not made any decisions to drop him.  Subway has even gone so far as to target new consumers in the “pothead” demographic.  Subway Senior VP and CMO Tony Pace admits, “Our market research has shown that ‘potheads’ consume three times more food in one sitting than regular consumers.  It’s a no-brainer in this economy, just look at the numbers.”  Kellogg's has not yet commented, and perhaps, pardon the pun, are taking the high road.  

Toilet paper goes digital

Kimberly Clark’s CMO Tony Palmer announced today that in an effort to save dollars in this down-trodden economy, while helping consumers gain easier access to their products and helping the green effort at the same time-that Scott brand paper, better known as toilet paper, is going digital.  

Kimberly Clark’s move seems to be more financially driven than consumer driven.  Palmer admits that turning Scott brand toilet paper digital will significantly cut down on production and distribution costs.  “You know, we’re spending millions of dollars a year on production, distribution, inventory space-and by going digital we’ll be able to realize more profit of our $3.6 billion sales.”

As an afterthought, Palmer also admitted “Oh, and this is good for the environment too, and meets the government standards for waste disposal.”

Scott brands (a subsidiary of Kimberly Clark) would not be the first company to go digital. 

The February 2009 issue of PC Magazine is going to be completely digital.  According to the company’s website,  the decision to go digital is because of the enormous benefits:  portability once downloaded, immediate delivery, searchability and most importantly-the green factor.  The Mayo Clinic went digital in 2004, storing all records electronically.  The Mayo Clinic sites the ease of availability for electronic/digital records.  And yes, even the IRS has gone digital, giving you the option to file your taxes online.  Although, Scott would be the first paper waste brand to go digital.

This move is in line with Scott’s corporate history.  In 1983, Scott CEO Phillip E. Lippincott reduced costs by $25 million a year by using scrap wood and pulp waste generated from Scott’s mills.  Furthermore, Palmer boasted that Scott, being one of the best-selling brands in the world, is a leader in the industry and is simply moving forward by embracing technology before any of Scott’s competitor’s. 

Procter & Gamble’s CEO Alan G. Lafly, a direct competitor of Scott with their Charmin brand, announced, “It’s stupid.  What Scott makes up in savings, they are going to lose in sales.”

A trucker, known only as “The Bulk”, was less flattering in his remarks about the change, “How the hell am I supposed to wipe my a** with a computer?  What the f***?!”

Shannon O’Brien, a homemaker from Boise, Idaho and  devoted Scott consumer also expressed her concerns “I have two children that are potty training in my family of five, and we only have one computer at home.  I’m not sure how this is going to work.”

Whether Scott’s decision to go digital was a wise one for the sales of the brand, it will certainly help the greening of America, and the browning of American’s underwear.